Ottawa Virtual + In-Person Psychotherapy

Hello all, 

I am uncertain about how to begin this journey of blogging. I suppose I should introduce myself. My name is Eric Bouwman, I am a Psychotherapist practicing in Ottawa and regions beyond, within Ontario. As I reflect on my occupation, my thoughts surround the tremendous opportunity I have to be permitted into the detailed and vulnerable spaces of people’s inner lives. Reflect on that statement for a moment. I have the distinct opportunity of being willingly allowed by individuals — real human beings —  to observe their most vulnerable selves. That is incredible and I am deeply grateful for that. If you are an individual reading this who has granted me this opportunity, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. 

That said, this opportunity has provided me an additional avenue in which I can share what I have observed. Of course, I will only do so within the professional guidelines that permit me to share. I want to write about something I have observed to be tremendously common. It may appear incredibly obvious to some of you reading this, yet something happens when one endures an averse experience — for example heartbreak, illness, abusive and immature parents, neglect, injury, rejection, abandonment, bullying, etc. the list goes on. These experiences shape the way an individual thinks, feels, and believes about themself. These “things”, individuals begin to believe about themselves are usually quite negative, although they provide motivation in the short term, they certainly have a detrimental cost in the long term.

The famous Canadian clinician, Gabor Mate, has a very helpful way of illustrating this. I will paraphrase his explanation. In essence, when faced with a difficult and distressing event or situation as a child or adolescent we create an adaptation to survive. When that child becomes an adult, this adaptation creates maladaptive symptoms that are distressing. However, it’s tremendously difficult to extinguish this adaptation because we feel like we are dying without it because we have become accustomed to it for survival. 

CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy), a philosophical approach to therapy that I utilize in my practice, approaches these adaptations from a different point of view, they are called “Core Beliefs”. As stated previously, these beliefs are often negative and I have observed that they cause tremendous psychic pain for individuals. They strongly and persistently influence behaviour, unfortunately of the maladaptive kind. A common response to an adverse experience that I have observed is to think of oneself as a loser, or of worthlessness. I believe (take my beliefs with a grain of salt and analyze them for yourselves, please) that this often turns one’s inner dialogue to begin to look like the following: 

“You remember that awful thing that happened”

“Yes.”

“Do you want to go through that looking and feeling like a loser again?”

“No.”

“Then you better do everything in your power to prove you’re not a loser.”

“Yes, you’re right.”

“Prove to me you’re not.”

“Ok, how?”

“I don’t care, just do it.”

Side note – I strongly dislike the word just, my wife pointed this out to me once and I have made a concentrated effort to eliminate it from my vocabulary. It’s a persistent and nagging ailment. Forgive me if I use it when speaking to you, please feel free to take the opportunity to rebuke me in the moment. It’s also tremendously condescending when used often. 

Observe in yourselves what feeling is invoked when you read these statements – “Just don’t worry about it”, “Just eat less, you’ll feel better”, “Just say no to that intrusive thought, it will go away”, “Just recognize you’re beautiful and people think you are attractive”, “Just stop exercising excessively”. You probably understand my argument by now. Reflect on this for yourselves, I am not demanding you all adopt this notion, but I ask that you think critically about it. 

Let’s recall my previous point. In addition to this inner dialogue aforementioned I have observed the common ways in which individuals choose to prove to themselves (and the general public) they are not a “loser” or worthless. These categories are typically the realm of academia, financial success, and body image or aesthetic. Sometimes one can attempt to chase achievement in all categories. To tie this all in, here is the typical order of events: 

i. one experiences something averse

ii. one feels terrible as a result

iii. one chooses to do something about it with the limited understanding they may have and consequently, one creates an adaptation in which they use the fuel of a negative belief about themselves to motivate behaviour. In real life application, reflect on these scenarios: 

– Chasing that PhD with a long list of characters behind one’s name.
– Chasing that bodybuilder aesthetic like Chris Bumstead.
– Chasing a six or seven figure salary and an increasingly growing portfolio of financial success. 

God knows, and you who know me well, know that I fall into at least one of these categories. This is not a cry for attention or sympathy but to inform you, I do not consider myself superior to any of you who may be reading this. It’s an affliction, a plague or, dare I say,  an epidemic in its own right? Please do not misconstrue these words to argue that I am diagnosing a disease in us. I’m using metaphor and illustration to make my argument permeate the readers’ critically thinking mind. 

This begs the question, what is one to do? I’ll be brief as I believe the answer is simple yet complex, an oxymoron that can apply to a lot of life, again, my opinion. I think a Narrative Therapy tenet is applicable to begin to sort this out if you resonate with it. That is the art of the “how” question. If you can transform a question using the word how, it unlocks insights you may never have discovered before. In this context, one could begin to ask “how is it that (insert experience) influenced me to think of myself as a loser?” Another example, “how is it that chasing down those resources to purchase a 2023 Toyota Tundra is important to me”. To remind you, please, for the love of all things good, do not harm yourself (emotionally speaking) by berating yourself with an answer that contains the word “just”. You try the “how” question at your convenience, I suspect it will be a useful tool for you. 

I believe this is sufficient enough information and insight to ponder for now. If you have made it this far through this blog, thank you very much, you are generous in the giving of your time and I appreciate your support. 

As always, “collect the data, and observe what insights it may provide. Aim for optimization, not perfection.”

Take care, 

Eric Bouwman MDiv. RP (Q)